Comments for Donna Barker Writes

Comment on It’s all in the voice – Drinking Scotch opening by Chris Todd Miller

Chris Todd Miller — Sun, 19 May 2013 03:12:02 +0000

BAM! Right out of the gate. This is a terrific set up. It sounds all logical and well laid out (excuse the pun), but you know this is going to be a delightful mess. Yes, a little more about the husband is needed, but this is only the first 250 words. Don’t mess with it. You’ve got us hooked, so we’ll get to the husband stuff at some point.

Comment on It’s all in the voice – Mother Teresa opening by Alec Breton

Alec Breton — Sat, 18 May 2013 01:54:17 +0000

I’m left wondering about a few things:
- What is the deeper substance behind the insecurity and potential volatility of the female character? She likely didn’t discover her pronounced neediness for the first time with this one relationship.
- When a person is so desperate to move forward into a relationship, despite how big cracks are being revealed in the foundation, won’t he or she likely have a trail of wreckage behind themselves?
- Is the guy trying to provoke her? Perhaps he is crazier than what the female character is already projecting about herself? So, what bait is she really responding to?

So far, the threatening proclamation at the beginning is like one loud drum beat. From here forward, what is going to cause the reader to want to hang around to hear what happens next?

Comment on It’s all in the voice – Drinking Scotch opening by Alec Breton

Alec Breton — Sat, 18 May 2013 00:58:38 +0000

I agree with others, when they say a little more needs to be revealed about the husband. That way the reader can understand better the tension between them. I presume there are some storm clouds are on their horizon which will bring some hard choices.

Comment on It’s all in the voice – Drinking Scotch opening by Marie Meyer

Marie Meyer — Sat, 18 May 2013 00:47:02 +0000

You have a fabulous hook, fabulous premise! Your voice is spot on!! I would love to know more! Well done, good luck with this story; it’s a gem!

Comment on It’s all in the voice – Mother Teresa opening by D. D. Falvo

D. D. Falvo — Fri, 17 May 2013 21:04:44 +0000

I enjoyed this, too–the darker feel, the sophistication. This MC obviously isn’t one to pull her punches and I’m curious to learn more about her. I find myself wondering–was it an accident or an act of passion? Will she go to jail?

I snagged on why a toothbrush would be a caution flag. And I agree with Heather, just hit us with the blow job-boom. And then her reaction.

Well done, I’d definitely read more.

Comment on It’s all in the voice – Drinking Scotch opening by D. D. Falvo

D. D. Falvo — Fri, 17 May 2013 20:54:12 +0000

Ah, well, even best of intentions, however sincere, can go awry–and I can see you are intentionally brewing a disaster here. Ai-yi-yi. What a premise. It’s genius. Your voice is smooth, easy to sink into. The only suggestion I have is that the detail about the business trip does not make or break the opening, and your pacing hits a speed bump with it. That’s all I got. I’d love to read more, Donna.

Comment on It’s all in the voice – Mother Teresa opening by MB Mulhall

MB Mulhall — Fri, 17 May 2013 15:24:20 +0000

Unlike most of the others, I actually preferred this over Drinking Scotch.

While I agree with Heather that it needs some polish, I actually prefer the premise of a chick snapping and killing her boyfriend over a woman caving to let her husband cheat rather than fixing what’s causing the lack of sex issue in the first place, but that’s just me.

I wish there was just a little more so I could see when she realizes her thought about blowing a job for his boss was a ridiculous one! Heh

Comment on It’s all in the voice – Drinking Scotch opening by MB Mulhall

MB Mulhall — Fri, 17 May 2013 15:17:31 +0000

Good hook that would pull most people in and I like the voice. I am left wondering what the husband has lied about as it doesn’t seem he’s cheated yet.

I do enjoy a strong female MC and I hope yours will evolve as the story continues. The last line “Hell, had I been in his shoes, I’d have cheated on me years ago” has me thinking she doesn’t think too much of herself.

Otherwise, good job!

Comment on It’s all in the voice – Drinking Scotch opening by Donna Barker

Donna Barker — Fri, 17 May 2013 03:46:19 +0000

I’m thrilled at this response since I had an entirely different opening half-an-hour before I posted this new and improved one. Had I not entered this contest, I’d have never thought to redo the original 250 words. Very cool! Thanks everyone.

Comment on It’s all in the voice – Mother Teresa opening by Donna Barker

Donna Barker — Fri, 17 May 2013 03:40:10 +0000

Thank you all for your wonderful feedback. Much appreciated. I’ll try to address the ‘shortfalls.’